jealousy

Oh...I'm in such a bad place. I have to admit that I have a more than a tinge of jealousy when I read about pregnant women or women with new babies.

It was bad after I lost Avery. But I had the hope that I could get pregnant again and soon be holding another baby. But now, two more losses later, I just don't have much of that hope left.

I really, really want another baby. But nine months seems like an eternity. And that's not even counting the months of waiting until I'm able to get pregnant. And it's not counting any added months should I lose another one. Patience is not my strong suit and having to wait and not knowing the future just fuels the fire.

People love to tell me that I should be grateful for the two beautiful children I have - and I am. But that doesn't lessen my sorrow at the babies I've lost or diminish my longing for another baby I can hold and love every day.

and again?

So I've probably miscarried yet again. I won't know for sure for at least a week (when a pregnancy test should be negative again). This is the third time now, and each time has been very different. I guess the old adage that every pregnancy is different holds true for those that end in miscarriages as well as ones that end in regular deliveries.

I don't think I'm going to attach any pictures this time. I've posted a positive pregnancy test before (and I used the exact same brand this time around so just go look at that picture or use your imagination), and I didn't take pictures of the rest of it. What I thought might have been the baby looked nothing like pictures of a baby at that gestational age. So either it wasn't actually the baby or the baby developed abnormally. And if you want to see pictures of blood clots and placentas, well, there are a few examples on google.

I'm holding out a little hope that 1)this wasn't a miscarriage at all but a subchorionic bleed or something similar or 2)that this was a twin pregnancy and just one of the babies passed. I'm around 90% positive that I passed a placenta, so if there is still a baby I'm pretty sure it will have been the latter scenario.