blogging my miscarriage pt.2

Warning, the following post may contain graphic descriptions and/or pictures that may disturb you. Read at your own risk.







November 21:
I wake up early even though the kids are gone and immediately my head is full of plans for the day. I make a to do list that I know I probably will not finish. Aaron goes and gets me McDonald's, and then I take him to work. I come home and clean the bathtub and shower. It's 11:30 when I finish.

Somehow the time disappears, and it is 1. Meleah is going to run errands with me so we both get dressed. I curl my hair and put on make-up. I worry a little that someone will see me out looking so made up and think I was lying about the whole miscarriage. I actually worry a lot that people will think the whole pregnancy was made up now that there will be no baby. Is this a normal fear?

One of my errands is to find a hat for the baby. I'm pretty stuck on the idea that the baby should have a hat although I have no idea what size its head will be. I worry that if I don't deliver the baby soon that it will disintegrate inside of me leaving me to only wonder what it looked like.

Meleah tells me that people think the idea of me taking pictures of the baby is creepy. We discuss the creepy factor along with the ideas I've run through about what to actually do with the baby once I've delivered it. She thinks most of my ideas are crazy and tells me that she thinks part of me died with the baby and now I'm a little crazy. I've already wondered myself if I'm doing crazy things. Am I now locked in a weird reality where I think I'm living my life but in actuality I'm writing on the wall with feces?

The first place we go is Target. We shop a bit before heading toward the things we came for. In the book aisle I come across Notes Left Behind. I read a Yahoo article about the book several weeks ago and wanted to read it. Just skimming through it makes me break down right there. Meleah isn't sure what to do. She asks me if I need a hug or for her to walk away. I tell her I'll be fine in a second. I push the cart over to the coffee aisle and start babbling randomly about a percolator. I must be crazy.

We pick out a new shower curtain liner and then head to the toys. I scour all the baby dolls and Barbies, but there are no dolls with hats that I think will fit the baby. Toys'R'Us is my only hope.

Meleah and I run a few more errands, and then she takes me to get my car so she can head over to spend the evening with her boyfriend. I head straight to Toys'R'Us. I spend about an hour looking over all the toys again. There is one great hat, but I'm sure it is too big. There is another possibility but it's on the head of a fake Barbie that's only sold in a four pack for $15.00. I think it will fit but don't really like it so I balk at spending that much money.

I suddenly have the brilliant idea of making my own hat. I head over to the Babies'R'Us side to buy a hat to use as a pattern and as material. They don't have any hats that I like so I decide to buy some white onesies to use as fabric. As I'm paying for the onesies I glance over to the sale rack and see some baby pants that are perfect to use as a hat. I buy them instead. They cost me less than $2.00, and this makes me very happy. I also notice they have another pair in case I fail miserably at making a hat and need to return for more fabric.

When I get home I make a prototype hat out of an old sheet. It turns out fair so I use it as a pattern and make a hat out of the baby pants. I don't quite like it so I search the kids' closet for an old baby hat to use as a real pattern. I find one and take it apart. My first try using it as a pattern is pretty good but still not quite right. I make some adjustments to the pattern and try again. The results are very satisfying. I save the rest of the pants just in case the hat is way too big or way too small, but I think I can make it work the way it is.

Depending on how this fits the baby, I may make the cuff larger or uncuff it completely and have it be a "slouchy" hat.

I have been bleeding and cramping all day, and I feel like I'm having some contractions. I go to the bathroom and decide to try to push the baby out. I sit on the floor and visualize a baby crowning. I try to breathe the way I breathed when Amelie was born. I change into a squatting position to let gravity help and pretend that I am in labor with this baby. This was to be my first drug-free, natural childbirth - complete with alternative labor and pushing positions. I try to visualize the baby moving from my uterus and down the birth canal. After about five minutes I get scared that I might make the placenta detach prematurely and hemorrhage out in the bathroom.

The pushing makes the contractions stronger. I pray they will get even stronger - and soon. Aaron will be home in a few hours, and I really want to do this alone. Even worse, I will be spending tomorrow at my aunt and uncle's house. I really don't want to have the baby somewhere else.

November 22:
I'm standing in front of the bathroom mirror when I feel a big rush of fluid. I peek down into my underwear and see a very dark, runny fluid gushing onto my pad. I tell the baby to please hold on and quickly run a bath. I check the time - 12:08.

I get into the tub and let the warm water wash over me. I forget to grab a book so I decide to use my fingers and pray the Rosary instead. I try to visualize the baby coming and feel sure it will come before I reach the next decade. I am wrong.

I finish the Rosary and pray a quick prayer to St. Anne. I then ask God to make this go as quick as possible and let me see His will in all of this. I am desperate to have this over before Aaron comes home from work.

I talk to the baby, pick at my toes, and stare down into the water. I warm up the bath several times. Contractions come and go. No baby.

I have the idea to use some pH paper the midwife gave me and check to see if the fluid was amniotic fluid. The pH paper didn't turn navy when I tested the fluid I was leaking on Tuesday. Today it does. I know the delivery is imminent.

I grab a magazine and read. Finally I have to get out of the bath. The water has almost completely seeped out of the tub and surely Aaron will be home soon. I have both house keys so I have to be able to let him in. I check the time again - 1:05. I am disappointed.

There is more to this story but it cannot be blogged yet. I am off to the hospital.