I finally received a definitive answer yesterday. Since this whole miscarriage misadventure began almost two weeks ago, I've had mixed emotions and weird experiences. I was hopeful that perhaps I hadn't miscarried because the bleeding was lighter than a normal period, but I was doubtful because of the cramping. Then I had two weird pregnancy test experiences where both tests gave me no results whatsoever - not even a control line. I bought a different brand and took two more pregnancy tests, and both of them showed a shadow line where the blue "pregnant" line should have been. So, even though I thought that the bleeding had probably been an actual miscarriage, there was still room for hope. And we all know that sometimes hope is a hard thing.
Yesterday I decided to pick up yet another brand of test. This time I got one of the types with pink dye (vs. the blue dye ones that were giving me the shadow lines) just like the type I got the initial "pregnant" result with. So I had come full circle. And here's my answer:
The baby is gone. What I knew to be true is true. I'm sad that I'll never see this baby. I don't know if it is a boy or girl. I don't have any pictures. There's no body to bury. It's like the baby was here and gone before I even got a real chance to process the whole thing. And that makes it very hard.
I've been calling this baby Adrian to myself since I first suspected I was going to lose it. Even when I was debating unisex A names, Adrian was always in the back of my mind. All I had to do was settle on a middle name. There aren't many unisex C names. And even fewer that I like. But I was drawn to Casey, and I ran it past Aaron. He was ok with it. So this baby has a name. Maybe you think it's silly to name a baby that I never even saw and barely even knew (and I'll admit it seems a little odd to me in some ways as well). But it is a baby - our baby. And I feel it deserves a name as much as Avery or any of us do.
I've really been struggling with God's purpose for giving me another baby and then taking it away so quickly. I've been a little bitter and angry even. I told God how hard it was for me to understand His Will on this, and then as I was reading through my
30 Days for Life devotion I found this passage, "No human life is random or alone.
No human life was created without purpose. Not one human life is without destiny." (The emphasis is mine.) Even if I don't understand His Will or purpose, there is one. That was reiterated to me tonight just when I needed it to be.
Avery and Adrian, pray for us!
