Avery Christian

Warning, the following post may contain graphic descriptions and/or pictures that may disturb you. Read at your own risk.







Aaron and I named the baby Avery, which is the boy name we had picked out already. We didn't have a middle name yet, so we threw around some ideas until we found one that fit.

Our little boy is buried at my aunt and uncle's house. I took him out there Sunday inside an old eyeglasses case. It was a beautiful day, and my uncle had a nice spot picked out for him. My uncle had built a little cedar box to put the remains in. After lunch I was able to find a little alone time to transfer Avery from the case to the box. Then my uncle put some kind of metallic tape all over the box to keep it from rotting. He told me he was honored that I am letting Avery be buried there. I couldn't stand to watch him be buried, so I will have to visit him soon.

I still break down at least once a day. Sunday night was the worst. I was trying to pick out a picture of Avery's feet to hang on the wall, and I just wasn't sure if any of them were good enough (still haven't decided). And Avery was gone, and I'd never see him again (on Earth). There would be no more opportunities to get a picture of him. What I have is all I'll ever have.

Avery Christian Hartley

Things I am grateful for:

• that Avery didn't suffer
• that he is already in heaven
• that I was able to see him
• that he was small enough that there was no pushing pain, just contractions
• family and friends that have supported me through this
• that I didn't have to have a D&C
• that I cleaned the bathtub Saturday morning "just because" even though it wasn't on my to-do list
  

Things I have learned:

• some people will know what to say and some won't
• contractions during a miscarriage are as bad as contractions during labor
• laboring in a tub of water makes the contractions so much easier to bear
  
• miscarriages hurt you emotionally far, far worse than you can imagine